The Diagnosis

I haven’t posted for a while, and I wanted to share something I have been coping with the last few weeks.

It is a health concern that came screaming out of left field.

I know that some of you have dealt with cancer diagnoses and other incurable diseases. In 2020, I experienced a significant autoimmune diagnosis. That beast is under control, but it was most unpleasant. My close friends and family thought I was going to die. That happened, but it is not my current challenge.

A few weeks ago, during my annual physical, the doctor’s face became very solemn and I knew something was way no bueno. I thought, “Oh no. Not again.”

She looked me in my eyes and said, “Mr. Smith, there’s no good way to say this. So, here goes. You have adult-onset cooties.”

I burst into tears and shouted, “How did this happen?”

She replied, “The cooties virus often lays dormant for decades like shingles and pops back into your system without any notice. We don’t know why. Did you have cooties in grade school?”

“I did. It was horrible. Please tell me there is a cure.”

“I am so sorry. The common immunization from the 1960s has proven ineffective when dealing with AOC.”

“Do you mean when my sister drew a circle on my arm and said, ‘Circle, circle, dot, dot now you have a cootie shot’, that didn’t work?”

“It was somewhat effective decades ago, but it is of no use when one has AOC.”

I left the office and drove home in a catatonic state. I wept the whole way. Likely I was not the only person to drive through Taco Bell sobbing that day.

I immediately went online and searched the prestigious medical sites – Mayo Clinic, John Hopkins, The Cleveland Clinic, and WebMD. Only The Cleveland Clinic addressed the childhood form of cooties. Their take was that cooties are not real. How wrong could they be? I bet that years ago many of you experienced the ban that is cooties. There was no discussion of adult-onset cooties anywhere on the net.

The holistic medicine websites had nothing to offer.

I was devastated.

After downing 8 IPAs and 5 shots of Yeager, I went to the dark web and found a renowned infectious disease expert named, Robert Kennedy, Jr. Sadly this great man confirmed that my doctor was correct AOC is very real and very incurable. He blamed big pharma, the US Department of Health and Human Services, the W.H.O., the Chinese, the Russians, the Bolivians, and Anthony Fauci. Kennedy revealed that the traditional circle-circle dot-dot shot causes young cooties sufferers to grow up and become accountants.

Oh, the horror.            

That explained my career choice.

Thank you for reading.

I have established a not-for-profit organization called “circle-circle dot-dot” Please visit my GoFundMe page and consider donating.