Devastating Health News: Adult-Onset Cooties

I recently received some devastating health-related news.

A few weeks ago, during my annual physical, the doctor’s face became very solemn, and I knew something was way no bueno.

She looked into my eyes and said, “Mr. Smith, there’s no good way to say this. So, here goes. You have adult-onset cooties.”

I burst into tears and shouted, “Why, Lord?”

She replied, “The cooties virus lays dormant for decades and pops back into your system without any notice, like shingles. We don’t know why. Did you have cooties in grade school?”

“I did. It was horrible. Please tell me there is a cure.”

“I am so sorry. The common immunization from the 1960s is ineffective when dealing with AOC.”

“Do you mean when my sister, Kate, drew a circle on my arm on my arm and said, ‘Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you have a cootie shot,’ that didn’t work?”

“It was somewhat effective in 1964, but it is useless when one has AOC.”

I left the office and drove home in a catatonic state, weeping the whole way. I was likely not the first to drive through Taco Bell in tears that day.

I immediately searched the prestigious medical sites – Mayo Clinic, Johns Hopkins, The Cleveland Clinic, and WebMD. Only Cleveland Clinic addressed the childhood form of cooties. Their take was that cooties are not real. How wrong could they be? There was no discussion of adult-onset cooties.

The holistic medicine community had nothing to offer.

I was devastated.

After downing eight IPAs and five shots of Yaeger, I went to the dark web and found a renowned infectious disease expert named Robert Kennedy, Jr. Sadly, this great man confirmed that my doctor was correct; AOC is incurable. He blamed big pharma, the US Department of Health and Human Services, the WHO, and Dr. Anthony Fauci. Kennedy blamed my bad diet and sedentary lifestyle. Kennedy revealed that the traditional circle-circle dot-dot shot causes young cooties victims to grow up and become accountants. Oh, the horror.

That explained my career choice.

Thank you for listening. I have established a not-for-profit organization called “circle-circle dot-dot.” Please visit my GoFundMe page and consider donating.