Good evening. Welcome to the Situation Room. I’m Cindy Rella, standing in for Wolf Blitzer. We have breaking news just in, here on CNN.
The Big Bad Wolf has been indicted on multiple counts by the Fantasy County grand jury in Georgia.
The charges include burglary, destruction of property, battery, obstruction of justice, and generally being a complete a-hole. Several others are named in the indictment as part of a criminal enterprise. They are all charged with racketeering under Georgia’s RICO statute. The other parties include The Pied Piper, Cruella DeVille, The Wicked Witch of the West, and Lord Voldemort. There is one unindicted co-conspirator.
A press release from the Fairy County prosecutor’s office reads as follows:
Today, the Fairy County prosecutor, Ms. Wendy Darling, announced the indictment of the Big Bad Wolf and several others related to a string of burglaries that occurred in May of 2022. The crimes occurred in a row of homes owned by The Three Little Pigs. The houses were located in Styville, Georgia. The indictment states that on or about May 21, 2022, The Big Bad Wolf successfully blew down houses owned by Pig One and Pig Two. Mr. Wolf is alleged to have absconded with all their possessions. Mr. Wolf is also charged with attempting to eat the two Little Piggies, who escaped by fleeing to Pig Three’s home, which was constructed of bricks.
In another action, the village of Styville is considering charging Pig One and Pig Two with several violations of the local building code in the construction of the demolished homes, which were built of straw and sticks.
The Wolf indictment also names The Pied Piper, Cruella DeVille, The Wicked Witch of the West, and Lord Voldemort. These villains, along with The Big Bad Wolf, are all said to be part of a criminal enterprise.
The prosecutor will seek the maximum sentence allowed under the law. Mr. Wolf faces 40 years in prison. He is a canine, and his life expectancy is measured in dog years. If convicted, he will likely spend the rest of his life behind bars.
Let’s go to our reporter, Little Red Riding Hood, who is standing outside the Fairy County courthouse. What can you tell us, Little?
Thanks, Cindy. Both people and animals have been expecting this indictment for more than 11 months. The grand jury has been meeting for half a year, but no one knew that a RICO charge was on the table. The breadth of the charges and the number of co-conspirators were unexpected.
We knew from previous reporting that Mr. Wolf’s attorney, Lord Voldemort, has been in Ms. Darling’s crosshairs along with his chief of staff, Cruella Deville. The most surprising named party is certainly his bodyman and valet, Mr. Piper. Many thought he had flipped. Finally, The Wicked Witch is no surprise. After all, “wicked” is in her name.
Wait. Here come The Three Little Pigs…
Pig Three, what do you have to say about the indictment?
This is the first step towards justice but all three of us expect it to be a long journey. We can never feel secure in our homes again. All three of us have lost weight due to stress. Our market value is plummeting.
Before you go, do Pig One or Two have any comments on the possible violations of the Styville building codes?
The pigs have waddled away without comment. That’s all from me here in Georgia.
Fascinating, Little, keep up the good work and stay safe.
Now, we’ll turn to my expert panel for insight and analysis. They include CNN’s Chief legal correspondent, Walter Mitty; our favorite political reporter, Robinhood; and the Washington Post’s cultural correspondent, Aquaman.
I want to start with you, Robinhood. What are the political implications of this latest indictment?
Well, Wendy, this was certainly expected, and the political impact has already substantially factored into the poll numbers for months.
It is known that The Big Bad Wolf is running for re-election as the alpha male of his pack. This is his fourth indictment since the 2020 election, which he claims was stolen. His poll numbers continue to grow with each indictment, and he’s raising substantial cash after each trip to the court.
There is little doubt that he will be his party’s nominee and will handily defeat his main rival, Rumpelstiltskin, who has repeatedly shown himself to be an uninspiring candidate who can’t even eat a goddamn corndog at the Iowa State Fair. He appears hopeless because of his wacky name and complete lack of anything approaching charisma. One cannot win the nomination by being a badder wolf than The Big Bad Wolf.
Thanks, Robby. Walter, what sort of legal challenges does Mr. Wolf face with this latest set of charges?
Gosh, Wendy, it appears this, his fourth indictment, is the biggest, riskiest, and Wolf’s dumbest crime. I can’t see how he avoids conviction. There are multiple witnesses, teeth marks on Pig One and Pig Two, and even a Nest cam video from Pig Three’s substantial abode.
If you ask me (and you just did), it looks like it is The Big Bad Wolf who will get blown down this time.
Finally, I want to know what is happening to our culture in this unprecedented moment. Please share your thoughts, Aquaman.
Wendy, I am at a loss for words — but that never stopped me before. The divide in our great country seems to grow by the minute. How must the foxes over at that other station be spinning this? Tomorrow, members of Mr. Big Bad’s party in the House and Senate will stand up and throw down a slew of “what about ” statements concerning the current Alpha Male’s puppy and his relationship with a company operating in the forest across the river. Then they’ll dredge up another “what about” concerning his 2016 opponent’s emails. Granted, the puppy has not been a good wolf, but he was investigated for years by The Big Bad Wolf’s attorney general, Dopey, formerly of the white-shoe Washington firm of Bashful, Doc, Grumpy, Sleepy, Sneezy, and Happy LLC. Dopey had years to bring charges against the puppy.
It is a sad day in the forest.
Thanks, Aquaman. I would hate to see what it is like when you’re not at a loss for words.
Wait a minute. Mr. Wolf has just posted on his social media platform, The Howl. It reads:
The action of the Fairy County prosecutor is another example of the ongoing efforts to get Wolf. The current occupant of the White Den and his fellow commies, fascists, and bedwetters continue to weaponize the Forest’s government agencies in a futile attempt to smear your hero’s sparkling and flawless reputation. I will fight these charges on behalf of you, my loyal followers.
Ms. Darling should go back to jumping out of second-floor windows with that wackjob Peter Pan.
Covfefe
Gosh, Robinhood, what’s your reaction?
That’s just another pile of fur-laced skat dropped into the minds of his base.
Thanks for your pithy comment.
We’ll be right back with more on this breaking story.
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