This is a puppet show with extremely low production values and marginal puppeteers. It takes place in a bar. Not a dive bar, not a fancy bar. Just a bar.
Luke is sitting with his girlfriend, Bathsheba. The bartender, Elmer, is washing beer glasses.
Luke: Hey Bathy, want to go to the Lions Club fundraiser on Saturday? They have a raffle for a rifle I want and you can play bingo.
Bathsheba: My name is Bathsheba (under her breath)
Luke: What?
B: My name is Bathsheba. You know I don’t like Bathy.
L: Whatever you say, Bathy. So what about the Lions Club?
B: I have a bingo addiction. Why would you tempt me like that? The devil himself sent us bingo from the depths of hell. My mom lost her house playing bingo down at Saint Jude’s?
L; It wasn’t a damn house. It was a damn double wide trailer.
B: It’s where I grew up. I was born in the driveway, and Grandma died in the living room.
L: Whatever. I just thought it would be fun. I guess I’ll go alone.
B: Susy’s working on Saturday, I’m going.
L: I forgot that piece of work will be there.
B: She’s my baby sister.
L: Whatever. Maybe you could win the meat raffle.
In comes Jethro.
J: Hey, loser. How you doing, Bathy?
L: It’s Bathsheba, you chunk.
E: The usual, Jethro?
J; What else is there?
L: A grown man drink, not the ditch water we chugged behind the Citgo when we were 14.
J: Is that apple-tini your sucking on a grown man’s drink?
L: Those are fighting words, ya bastard.
J: OK, Sugar Ray.
E: Bathsheba, looks like you could use another.
B: Another drink or man.
E: Both?
Elmer serves Bathsheba. She slides away from Luke. Jethro and Luke continue talking and ignore her.
J: Hey, loser, Ya going to the Lions Club fundraiser?
L: Yea. I’m going to win that rifle.
J: When was the last time you won anything?
L: Beat your sorry ass at cribbage last night and your money is paying for these drinks.
J: Ya cheated. Ya don’t know how to count for shit and you’re an apple-tini drinking piece of toenail fungus.
L: So about the raffle, are you going?
J: Of course. I only have 4 AK 47’s. A fifth would fit just fine. I want arm the starting lineup of the basketball team. I need that rifle. I’m buying all the tickets.
L: Ok, Elon. Ya might have enough to buy A ticket, if your mom gives you your allowance. Remember? You’re an unemployed dishwasher; who owes everyone in town; who lives with his mother.
What’s going on?
J: Don’t want to talk about it.
L: Come on, we’ve known each other since second grade. Who taught you how to whack off?
Through all of this Elmer and Bathsheba are talking. We do not know what they’re saying, but their heads move closer together and it seems like they’re flirting.
J: You did.
L: So?
J: I think they know about it.
L: It?
J: You know….it.
L: Which it?
J: The big it.
L: Like last week’s it?
They’re both getting louder and more agitated.
J: Yeah. That it.
L: Oh shit. No.
J: Yeah.
L: No.
J: Yeah.
L: No.
J: Yeah.
L: Oh shit. No.
Elmer and Bathsheba have stopped flirting and are staring at Jethro and Elmer. J & L start talking softly.
L: Ok. Settle down, big guy. What’s going on? We can fix it.
J: You’re high. This it is Breaking Bad shit. This it is The Sopranos kind of shit. This it is like You Better Call Saul shit. This it is unfixable shit.
L: Relax. We’ve handled some shitty it before.
J: There’s never been shit like this it before. This it is real deep shit. This shit is over our heads shit. Like Donald Trump dating your sister shit.
L: Who knows about it?
J: You know who.
L: Who?
J: You know who.
L: Who?
J: The worst who.
L: That who?
J: Yeah. That who. The worst who.
L: What are you going to do about it?
J: What are you going to do about it?
L: What are you going to do about it?
J: What are you going to do about it?
Again they are getting louder.
E: OK knock it off or take it outside. This is a classy place.
L: Sure. Classy, that’s why you haven’t cleaned the bathrooms since your father died two years ago and the pool table slopes to the southeast.
E: Leave Poppa out of it. God rest his soul.
L & J settled down and start scheming.
L: We gotta do something.
J: But what?
L: We could call your uncle Gomer.
J: Na. He went and got all religious walks around in a black suit carrying a Bible everywhere. Even to his job a the quick oil change garage. What ‘bout your grandfather’s brother’s step grandson, Moe? The guy who works for the county?
L: Remember? He died three years ago in the hunting accident where he blew his brains out in the garage with his wife standing there holding the gun.
J: Right, the hunting accident.
L: We should have never sold rock candy to those kids and told them it was crystal meth.
Elmer and Bathsheba stop talking and start moving closer to J & L. They whisper to each other.
J: It was your idea.
L: No it was your idea.
J: No it wasn’t.
L: Yes
J: No
L: Yes
J: No
They again get louder. Then Elmer steps in.
E: Settle down. What did you idiots do?
L: Jethro sold rock candy to middle school kids and said it was meth.
J: It was your idea and you made the candy.
L: You sold it to your little brother.
E: So you scammed middle school morons with fake meth? Well, you’re both under arrest.
J & L: WHAT?
E: Bathsheba and I have been working undercover for the sheriff. We’ve recorded all your conversations and tracked your every move. You morons have sold your last batch of rock candy meth.
We know how you fixed the bingo game at Saint Jude’s; sold the phony Mega Millions tickets at the old folks home, stole all the firewood from every roadside stand in the county, and bet on peewee league football games. Your two-man crime spree is over.
Cuff ‘em Bathsheba.
L: Damn Elmer, you’re my first cousin and the father of my sister’s twins. How could you?
They get handcuffed and all the puppets leave the stage while Bathsheba reads L&J their rights.
DZ
You nailed it